My good friend, James McCann, Author Extraordinaire of the amazing post-apocalyptic Children of Ruin, asked me to write up a guest post for his blog about what I would do in the event of a ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE. (Click here to visit James’ website!)
I bet he wasn’t expecting to hear that I already have a
‘Zombie Contingency Plan’ ready to go. But I totally DO.
Here’s the thing. I don’t like zombies. Like, AT ALL.
“Well, duh, Jane,” you might scoff. “Nobody likes zombies!” Yeah, yeah. So you say. But I know some of you secretly can’t wait to get out there and dust up some undead.
I for REALS want NOTHING to do with them.
Anyone who knows me well knows what I would do in the event of a zombie apocalypse. I think it’s an important disclosure, and one that can tell you a lot about a person.
Do YOUR loved ones know about your Zombie
Apocalypse Contingency Plan?
Mine do, and it’s pretty simple:
I would off myself.
Trust me, I know this isn’t a popular plan, and you’re welcome to try and change my mind. But you won’t. I promise: I would only choose this plan IF there were an apocalypse, and IF that apocalypse produced brain-eating zombies.
But I digress. When my three lovely children were babies,
I would have offed them, too.
However, now that Jacob, Aidan, and Claire are quasi-adults,
they’ve strictly forbidden me from murdering them in cold blood.
To be fair (to me) I would have done it with love in my heart…
TO SAVE THEM FROM HAVING TO ENDURE SOMETHING SO DEHUMANIZING!!!
Because, (sorry, James) why would anyone want to survive a Zombie Apocalypse?? The living turn into MONSTERS, and like, strap strangers to mattresses for their snacking convenience (I’m still traumatized after reading Cormac McCarty’s “The Road”) and all the undead are gory, gross, brain-eating machines.
I see no tenable future in that scenario.
On the other hand, Emily, the main character in my current series,
the My Myth Trilogy, would
handle things quite differently. She’s a caricature of my own personality, which makes her simultaneously stronger and weaker than I am. Emily wouldsurvive to save her siblings Jacob, Aidan, and Claire. They’re her whole purpose, her reason for striving, her reason for facing her demons, her reason for doing really difficult things that almost paralyze her.
The following scene from Secret Keeper, book two in the My Myth Trilogy, is set in an inky black, creepy-as-hell crypt. This scene offers insight into Emily’s relationship with her siblings, illustrating that even in her darkest, scariest times, they bring light and humor to her life.
“…besides, Aidan, I don’t for one minute believe you’re nervous about coming in here just because it’s a crypt. You’re practically immune to the entire horror genre!” It’s true. Whenever the boys and I watch scary movies, Jacob and I plug our ears and cover our eyes almost the entire time. But not Aidan. He’d probably be stoked if there were ever a zombie attack IRL. I even gifted him a so-called zombie-decapitating katana for his birthday last year. Who knew you could buy an actual katana from Amazon and have it delivered to your house all for the low-low shipping cost of free if your absentee mother is a Prime member? In my defense, I thought the sword was fake when I ordered it. But yeah, I still gave it to him when I found out it wasn’t. #sisteroftheyear.
– Emily, Secret Keeper, Chapter 15
Lol! The only difference between that excerpt and how it happened in real life is that I, their mother, purchased the katana using my own Amazon Prime account.
**DON’T PLAY WITH KATANA’S KIDS! THEY’RE SUPER SHARP AND COULD PROBABLY ACTUALLY DECAPITATE SOMEONE**
Seriously, why can I buy a real katana on Amazon???
(We use ours to play Fruit Ninja. Click here to see a video)
Real talk, though. Emily may joke about zombies, but if they ever threatened
her brothers and sister, she would decimate them with her masculine and feminine Fae powers of Blaze and Keen. The only problem is that she’s SO strong, she sometimes loses control.
Even after training as a Shield Maiden
and leading her warriors into battle, she’s still a little touchy on the trigger. The undead wouldn’t stand a chance against her, but the situation could still go really, REALLY wrong.
Because, what if things got crazy and she accidentally hurt the people she loves most?
You absolutely want Emily on your side in a zombie apocalypse.
You just want to be very careful not to get too close…
and you definitely never want to piss her off.
As for me? I’m guessing you probably don’t want me on your side. That’s okay. I’ll take care of myself! Hahahaha.
*Upon reading this, my children would like to (rudely) point out:
That’s not how you use that meme.
Do you even know what that meme is referencing?
That’s not a katana. (It says it is on Amazon!)
I feel like Emily would actually just overdose on sleeping pills and pass out for most of the apocalypse. (Maybe in Riven, but she’d kick serious ass in Secret Keeper!)
Nice, aren’t they?