I KISSED A GIRL AND I LIKED IT, or Hooking Up With The Universe (Even Vegans cry).

Guys, the Universe is obviously a woman. If she had a mouth I’d totally make out with her because I’m pretty sure She’s in love with me and I’m definitely in love with HER.
 
   
WARNING: TMI & SHARING AHEAD!!!!!!!
 
 
Trust me, the Universe DOESN’T love me because I’m perfect or because I do everything right and never make any messes. Far (far) FAR from it. In fact, the last few years have been a series of escalating messes as I struggled to find my footing in my second marriage…a relationship that sometimes had me fighting tooth and nail to make things work, sometimes had me kicking and screaming to escape as fast and as far away as I could get, and always had me bewildered, insecure, and lonely.
 
During this same span of years I experienced other imperfect/messy things as well. For example: I lost my religion, alienated two of the most important people in my life while trying to help them, and uprooted my children from their home of 11 years to move to a new state where we had no friends and no family. 
 
These things would be daunting for almost anyone. I know my diagnoses of an anxiety disorder and fibromyalgia compound my stress. Some days, it’s all I can do to get out of bed. (Okay. Tbh, some days I stay in bed).
 
Please understand, this isn’t a cry for help. It may sound counter-intuitive, but I am thriving. 
 
It isn’t my intent to share these things in order to make anyone uncomfie or garner sympathy or get attention or be all “whoa is me.” Rather, I’m sharing in the hopes of normalizing others who might be grappling with similar challenges. I want to validate the struggle of people who may be battling privately, who think they’re alone because their guilt and fear require them to hide their pain. Who aren’t thriving because they feel trapped. Because they feel like failures. Because they are ashamed. 
 
I am such a lucky girl. It hasn’t been all Doom & Gloom. I’ve had amazing experiences, and I wouldn’t trade any of it. The struggles I’ve encountered in the last 5+ years have compelled me to do some serious self-examination and take a good long look at who I am and who I want to be. True, I lost Religion, but I discovered Faith; I became unmoored from some familial anchors, but gained lifelong friends who have become my family. I have met and been mentored by truly magical people. I’ve been blessed with the time and the means to pursue my dream of becoming a published author. 
 
The most important thing I’ve gained in the last few years is the knowledge
that I have a message I want to share with the world, and it is this:
 
Self-acceptance, Self-love, Self-mercy, Self-trust, EMPOWERMENT.
 
I want EVERYONE to experience the deep and abiding belief that the Universe (or God or Allah or The FSM) loves them the way I believe She (or He) loves me. In order for that to happen, there are some things we’ve got to be aware of:
 
1. Depression is NOT of the devil. If you tell yourself or someone else who is struggling with anxiety or depression that all they need is a closer relationship with Christ to be cured, please knock it the hell off. Like, RIGHT NOW. 
 
2. Even healthy peeps can be depressed. So chillax, Vegans. For reals, I love you…if I had a personal chef I would BE YOU. And it’s true: a healthy diet and regular exercise cure a multitude of ailments, but even vegans suffer from mental illness …yes, even the ones who eat a healthy vegan diet full of leafy greens and quinoa and not just sugar and gluten-free Cheetos. So unless a depressed person asks for your advice when sharing their struggles, maybe just LISTEN.
 
3. Taking medication for mentall illness doesn’t make a person weak. To all my Holistic peeps: I adore what you do and who you are. I love your incense and your oils and your gorgeous auras. You might not agree with a person’s decision to medicate, and it’s true, medication isn’t always the answer. But that doesn’t make someone wrong for trying it.
 
4. You might be hurting when you mean to help. I know from the bottom of my heart that when someone is brave enough to tell you they are struggling and you remind them of all their blessings, you mean well. But it isn’t helpful. Mental Illness is no respecter of persons. It targets both the physically strong and the crippled, the affluent and beggar, the straight and the gay, the Christian, the Jew, and the non-believer. I can promise you…people who suffer from prolonged depression that goes beyond sorrow at our current political cluster(f word) are fully aware of their blessings. Reminding them of the positives in their lives is discounting their very real pain. It adds to their burden.
 
5. Not everyone can “choose” to be happy. If reality were a Phillip K. Dick novel and happiness were as simple as making a decision every morning to “think happy thoughts,” most people would choose to be happy.
 
But Guys. It isn’t. 
 
Here’s the way it was described to me:
 
Everybody has a window. A person with perfect brain chemistry has glass in their window that locks, a screen for when the window is open, some blinds for when it’s too bright or privacy is preferred, and curtains for décor and extra privacy. 
 
Each of these things act as a filter…a way to set boundaries and protect the mind and body from distressing or harmful stimulants and triggers.
 
 
Unfortunately, not everyone has perfect brain chemistry. Some people may be missing their curtains, some may be missing their blinds. Others may have windows that don’t lock, leaving them vulnerable with only a screen to protect them from the outside world. In the most extreme cases, some windows don’t have anything, not even glass…just a gaping hole through which anything can pass. It’s all well and good when it’s 76 out with no humidity or bugs or robbers or traffic or nosy neighbors, right? But life isn’t always perfect like that.
 
To those who are hurting, I’m so sorry. I would take your pain if I could. I know you won’t always feel this way, though I can’t say when it will get better. I do have a couple ideas that might be worth considering.
 
1. Is the goal really to be happy all the time? I want to suggest that a lot of learning and growth comes from struggling. 
 
2. Maybe pretending to be perfect isn’t the answer. Maybe–just maybe–when you accept who you are and how you feel you are becoming stronger and inspiring others. I personally don’t believe there are any negative feelings. Uncomfortable ones? YES. Painful ones? To be sure. But they are part of you and you are WONDERFUL.
 
3. Inspiration is everywhere, all the time. You don’t have to be happy to be inspired, all you have to do is be open and watchful. It’s risky, being open, I know. But it’s worth it. I’ve learned this from experience. Because even on the days when I didn’t get out of bed, I looked for Inspiration and She whispered stories to me.
 
I lurve you all! This post was difficult to write 
and I have some anxiety about it, but it’s a topic I feel strongly about. Thank you for reading. 
I’d love it if you’d comment and share some of the things that inspire you. 
 

 

4 thoughts on “I KISSED A GIRL AND I LIKED IT, or Hooking Up With The Universe (Even Vegans cry).

  1. Jane, this is beautiful, and so well said. I had to come to terms a long time ago with the idea that clinical depression will dog my days here on Earth. I choose to medicate, and it helps, but it doesn’t fix the brain’S chemistry entirely. I wish more people could understand the truth about mental health disorders and learn to think of them similarly to physical diseases (you wouldn’t question a diabetic’s daily doses of insulin). We’re not there yet, but posts like this and frank conversations with others help. So thanks for putting yourself out there like this. You so totally rock, dude!

    1. Yes, exactly! Medication is a blessing to so many people and I (and the people who love me) are thankful for it every day. I’m sorry you suffer from depression, but I’m glad you are working to manage it. Thank you for understanding and for commenting. Sending love.

  2. I would say my five year old is currently my inspiration. They are trying to figure out what autoimmune disease I have. There are times I have no motivation. Times my patience runs thin. He wakes up each day excited to explore life. An empty box is at times exciting to him. If someone is mean to him. He tells them that wasn’t nice, then he moves on. No holding on grudges. No ruining his entire day. I’m working on letting my inner child out. No holding of grudges. Excited to just be alive and experience life. Even the hard days. Being in charge of my own happiness throughout the day. Forgiving easily. And letting others know I care. Jett just told me he really liked my eye brows. Weird compliment. But it made me happy. So I’m also working on speaking more kind words to friends, family, and those I happen to come across that I don’t know. Thank you for your writing!

    1. First: Jett is like, the coolest name EVAH. I may need to steal it for a book. Second: I really like your eyebrows, too. Third: you are SO on the right path. Thank heavens for our children, who keep us grounded, give us purpose, and inspire us. I’m sending good energy, hoping you find a diagnosis and relief soon. Chronic pain/fatigue/illness saps us, makes us question ourselves. You are so strong. Thank you for your comment!

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